Semiautomatic Mix Tape
by The Antarctic Scene
Summary: Short stories starring various characters all leading up to one huge event.
1. Tool Sheds And Hot Tubs

**Semiautomatic Mix Tape**

**CHAPTER I: Tool Sheds And Hot Tubs**

**A/N: I don't own Tool Sheds & Hot Tubs (Straylight Run) or Degrassi. Ok? Good.**

* * *

_Replacing old dreams with flattery from new loves,  
A hurricane self help into this evacuation from this.  
You never meant to,  
You never meant to...  
Call me...  
Call me...  
I'll answer..._

'_Why the hell do I even bother?_' I find myself wondering this for the fifth time tonight as a sit in my car staring out the window. '_All these girls, all of em lining up to do you and you're still crying over someone who won't give you the time of day anymore._' The rain continues to beat down on the car in a steady pattern, shaking me from my thoughts, but I don't really notice. My gaze is transfixed on the large building which happens to be the local mall. I averted my eyes from the building long enough to check out the small clock on the dashboard. The fading green numbers read nine thirty-five. So I was early; I always was. I'm early to give myself time to leave if I can't do it... I almost always leave right away.

_Do you think that this could work out?  
Do you think you could come around?  
Do you think that this could work out again?  
I don't...  
I don't wanna be forgotten,  
While you're putting all your time in,  
Into the things that don't mean anything to me_

Imagine that, me, a coward. Or, no, I'm not a coward. How can I be? I one of the toughest fuckers around this place. Go on, ask anyone and they'll tell you. I guess I am though. I'm supposed to be one of the most badass guys in the school and I can't even confront the one girl that's bothering me the most. Here I am, going back to the girl I fucked over in the first place asking for her to give it a second chance; it's pathetic. If this were any other guy, he'd be a pussy for sure. I guess I am though, or I would be if anyone knew about this. Some might even say I'm a stalker for doing this. I don't see it as stalking, I just see it as taking a risk, seeing my target, and backing out at the last minute.  
_**  
**It's too bad,  
It's even sadder,  
I'm losing everything that I thought,  
This was a lost cause,  
It was! And I never knew it.  
I never knew it._

I'm a little bit like an assassin. They stake out their target and take aim, but they actually fire. What am I doing? Staking out my target, taking my aim, but that's all. I never could get out the car and go over. There she goes again. My thoughts drift away from my own self pity as I see the main doors swing open. I'm staring them down almost hungrily, looking for the smallest glimpse of her in her work uniform. She's not there. Of course the other workers come out, all laughing and smiling together. I smiled to myself. '_Of course she's not with them._' I thought. '_She never was into working with all these people._' I sank back down in my seat and focused my attention once again on the door, waiting for her.

_Try 'em on and let 'em go,  
It might be best to just forget me,  
You walk away,  
You know you're better off to,  
Your better off to...  
Call me...  
Call me...  
I'll answer..._

A sudden knock on my window scared me from watching the door. I instantly turned on the car, getting ready to drive off when I noticed that the person at the window wasn't her, but someone I knew just as well. I rolled down the window and looked up at her. She was already soaking wet, and I was tempted to let her sit in the car, but I knew she was gonna be quick about whatever she wanted, so I said nothing.

"What are you doing here?" She glared down at me. So she didn't want me here, which was understandable enough.  
"You know good and well why I'm here. Where is she?"  
"Like I'm gonna tell you."  
"Don't play your little games with me, I'm a lot smarter than that."  
"Oh really?" I noticed her smirk. "News to me..."  
"So are you gonna tell me or not?"  
"Not; and next time, I'll call the police. You can't sit out here and stalk people."  
"Yeah, I guess you and the police are pretty tight." I couldn't help but smile at her. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to say, but that didn't matter to me.

So I scared her off. She never did say anything to me after that, she just walked past me, no doubt heading to her own car. I couldn't help but turn my head a little to get a better view of her ass. So sue me, if things don't work out here, she can be a hot little consolation prize. I shook my head, trying not to think about her. I'm on a sort of mission to win back my old ex, I'm not supposed to be thinking about her friend. I should've learned from my mistakes last time.

_Do you think that this could work out?  
Do you think you could come around?  
Do you think that this could work out again?  
I don't...  
I don't wanna be forgotten,  
While you're putting all your time in,  
Into the things that don't mean anything to me,_

I finally saw her walk out of the building. I felt a huge wave of relief knowing that she was alone. Tonight was finally gonna be the night. And of course, just my luck, it's raining. Sure, the rain is all dark and gloomy or whatever, but it's working in my favor. She'll need a ride. I know she likes the rain, we had plenty of moments where we sat in the park huddled close together on a bench enjoying the rain, but this was a little ridiculous. No one would go out when it was getting this bad, not even her. So I finally did what it had been taking me forever to do and I rolled down the window.

"Hey! Do you need a ride?"

_Wasting faster than the hourglass,  
It's slow but I'm not ready,  
Not okay,  
Don't make this harder than it already had to be,  
Call me...  
Call me up...  
I'll answer..._

I couldn't help but smile when she finally looked up at me, clearly surprised that I was there. She started to approach me, slowly and cautiously. She had to have been standing a good five feet away from my car in the middle of the street. I couldn't help but notice how small she looked just standing there with the rain falling on her... It reminded me so much of the first time I saw her. She was late for school and I was just blowing off class. She came into the building, completely soaked, and asked me where I could find the office. Of course, since I was a regular there, I could easily take her there. Needless to say, it was pretty much the start to where I am now.

"Why would I need a ride from you?" She brought me back from my memories.  
"Come on, it's raining."  
"I _like_ the rain."  
"I know you do, but this is insane. And hey, are you tryin' to become road kill?"  
"Anything to get me away from you..."  
"You don't mean that." I mumbled, more to myself than to her.  
"What was that?"  
"Nothing. Just get in the car and I'll give you a ride home. That's all."

She stood there looking thoughtful before she moved closer to my car. I smiled, but my smile didn't last that long. Headlights shined in the distance, and a car pulled up on the other side of her. I couldn't help but roll my eyes; it was her friend. I should have known that things weren't going to bee easy. She rolled down the window and looked at me triumphantly. I frowned back at her and slumped down in my seat. I was beat, and she knew it.

"Oh hey, still stalking?" She yelled over to me from her car.  
"Been to see your friends, the police, yet?" I called back to her.  
"Wait, what the hell's going on?" My girl, or former girl, was quick to interrupt us.  
"Nothing, I just decided to give you a ride. I know you wouldn't want a ride with him anyway."  
"Yeah, real nice, how do you know what she wants?"  
"Because I just do. Now come on, you can stay with me."

I rolled my eyes. Of course, the 'you can stay with me' card. It works every time. I looked at the two of them and just sighed as she got into the car and they took off, just leaving me to sit there. What could I do? I had my chance, and I messed it up. Why am I complaining, though, it's not that hard for me to find a new girl.

_Do you think that this could work out?  
Do you think you could come around?  
Do you think that this could work out again?  
I don't...  
I don't wanna be forgotten,  
While you're putting all your time in,  
Into the things that don't mean anything to me,_

It had to be around eleven o'clock or so. I tried to read my watch, but between the raindrops, which were falling as hard as it had been earlier, and the darkness it was pretty hard to see. Here I am, sitting on the same bench we used to sit on when we would sit in the park during a storm and complain about life. The memory made me smile, and when a flash of lightening went across the sky, I was able to read my watch. Twelve twenty-five; a lot later than I had assumed. I stood up to leave when I heard someone.

"Are you insane, it's raining out."  
"Yeah? Well I like the rain." I said, turning around and smiling.

She walked over to me and looked me in the eyes. I don't know how she managed to do it, considering that it was so dark, but I swear she was staring directly into them. We stood there like that for what seemed like forever, just staring. I finally couldn't stand it, so I said something.

"I'm sorry."  
"Shut up, way to ruin the moment." Her tone tried to seem angry, but she gave it away by laughing.  
"Take me back, or I might be forced to do something gay like serenade you."  
"You would serenade me, in a park?"  
"Sure, why not?"  
"You're crazy."  
"Take me back..."  
"You're the most persistent..." She shook her had and wrapped her arms around me.  
"So is that a yes?"  
"Of course. Hey, let's just stay out here all night."  
"It's raining though..."

I smirked a little when I said that. What I had just said was sort of a determining factor with our relationship. It was like the first time I had met here all over again. She looked up at me and didn't say anything for the longest time. When she finally did say something, it basically sealed the deal on us and our relationship; and I was fine with that. It was definitely the best thing anyone could've said to me.

"I like the rain."

_Do you think that this could work out?  
Do you think you could come around?  
Do you think that this could work out again?  
I don't..._


	2. Empty Apartment

**Semiautomatic Mix Tape**

**Chapter II: Empty Apartment**

**A/N: I still don't own Degrassi. And I don't own Empty Apartment (Yellowcard).**

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_Call me out  
You stayed inside  
One you love  
Is where you hide  
Shot me down  
As I flew by  
Crash and burn  
I think sometimes  
You forget where the heart is_

It's crazy, the way things seem to change in one year... twelve months... three hundred sixty-five days... you get my drift. It's even crazier, though, how your life can change in just one day by one thing one person says to you. I didn't believe her when she told me. I mean, there was no way that could've happened. Here we are, the smartest most responsible girl in our school, and I, the so-called immature kid... and we're having a kid. The whole thing was just so surreal. I remember getting that job at the pharmacy. Sure, I couldn't take care of myself (I still can't), and sure, I probably couldn't take care of a kid, but I had to. I don't want to say I was stuck with her, because I loved her, I really did, it's just that... well... I was stuck in a way. There was no way in hell I was gonna be like my dad though, that wasn't happening. I think my fear of turning into my dad was what really kept me with her.

Now that I think about that, I did end up like my dad; a dealer. Yeah, what do you know, I was an "accident" baby, the product of a one-night stand. I'm an orphan now, even. I did mention that I was a dealer, but I just couldn't do it. I was too much like him. I didn't want to... I didn't want to do the same things he did. I figured it wasn't gonna happen to me, so I kept going to the ravine, I kept selling those drugs. We were gonna have the perfect family, even if I was doing some bad stuff just to support everyone. And then everything changed. I overdosed on some drugs... just like my dad did. It was a real wake up call when I was in the hospital, you know? I mean, what if I had died? I would've left her behind... she probably would've become a junkie like my mom did. My kid didn't need to deal with that. So I gave up dealing. I know a lot of people weren't happy with it, but come on; the ravine is like the grocery store for drug dealers and users.

_Answer no to these questions  
Let her go, learn a lesson  
It's not me, you're not listening  
Now, can't you see something's missing  
You forget where the heart is_

Look at me now, I'm single and alone. After I gave up dealing, things got better. I couldn't work at the pharmacy anymore, of course, but I got by on odd jobs. Odd _legal_ jobs, might I add. Things were going really good for us minus the occasional arguments. You could say that every couple has them, but something about ours was different. There always seemed to be some extra hatred to ours. For every good thing I did, she always had a negative. I would get a job, bring in some money, and she would always say something mentioning my past. There was also that whole issue with the baby. After I overdosed, she just decided to give it away... just like that. One mistake and bang, no more happy family. I really didn't know what to do, but I stuck it out with her. I figured I could change her mind. I didn't, and she had the baby, and now our kid is off in British Columbia somewhere.

I realize now that the baby was the only thing keeping us together. After it was born, and she gave it away, everything fell apart for us. She moved out of the apartment and back in with her family. I stayed there for a little while. I figured, if some other people in our school had lived on their own before, why couldn't I? Now I know why. They were on that student loan deal, or whatever it was. They said I couldn't have it because I worked. Between car payments and rent, something had to go, and it sure as hell wasn't gonna be my car. And here I am now, back home with my grandmother's house looking through a photo album.

_Take you away from that empty apartment  
You stay, and forget where the heart is  
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay_

As I flipped through the album, I smiled at the old memories. There was a picture of me and my three best friends the summer before we started eighth grade. I was wearing a hat, and my arm was around the girl who I always wanted but never got a good chance with. We went out... for a short time. A really short time. I always thought we would have something more than what we ended up with. A date to the dance, a few good make out sessions, and then she leaves me for the idiot who played in a band. I shook my head and turned the page. There was another picture, just the two of us, right before that dance I had asked her to. I sighed and sat back on my bed. I laughed thinking about what few times we had together and looked at the next page. It was two of my best friends from back in the day. And what do you know, they've both become sluts. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised though. They're best friends, if one changed, the other one was probably soon to follow.

_Waking up from this nightmare  
How's your life?  
What's it like there?  
Is it all what you want it to be?  
Does it hurt when you think about me?  
And how broken my heart is_

My grandmother came to the door and knocked, telling me that I had a visitor. I got up and answered the door, expecting it to be a friend of mine with a new video game. Or maybe even his sister, going on about school and how she misses me and wants to try again. It wasn't her; it was the girl whose picture I had just been looking at. My grandmother gave me a dirty look, obviously she had found out about what had happened the last time this girl had been in my room, and left, slamming the door behind her.

"Hey..." she smiled at me nervously.  
"Hi, what's up?"  
"Nothing. I'm um... I was just walking and um... I was around here and um..."  
"You thought you'd stop by?"  
"Yeah. You weren't um... looking at any porn websites again were you?" She nodded towards my computer.  
I laughed. "Not since that time when we got caught by his parents."  
"Really?" She raised her eyebrows.  
"Well, I don't count that nice little video you made as porn since it's not really on the internet. But who knows, you did say you were gonna be famous."  
"Hey! Hey! I was drunk, give me a break."

_Take you away from that empty apartment  
You stay, and forget where the heart is  
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay_

She smiled at me again and looked over by my closet. A dusty acoustic guitar was propped up against the wall. She looked back at me and looked at the guitar again. I went over to the wall, grabbed my guitar and sat down on the bed. I smiled and waited for her to sit next to me.

"Guitar? Since when?"  
"I dunno... I was never that good at it."  
"You know, _he_ played guitar. And now look where _he_ is."  
"I know _he_ played guitar. Everyone knows that."  
"You could get famous, just like him!"  
"Quit," I glared at her. "Do you always have to compare me to him?"  
"I don't..." She frowned. "Okay, maybe I do, but I always did like you better."  
"Right..."  
"Come on, I've known you forever. You were just the loser who told bad jokes. He was older and more--"  
"More what?"  
"Nothing, forget it. Maybe I did compare you to him, but I want you."  
"You only want me because he's not here."

_It's okay to be angry and never let go  
It only gets harder the more that you know  
When you get lonely if no one's around  
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down  
We came together but you left alone  
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own  
Maybe someday I will see you again  
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend_

I looked at her and waited for her to respond. When she didn't say anything, I looked down at my guitar and strummed it, trying to remember a few of the notes I had learned. Nothing was coming to mind, and she wasn't helping me any. I set the guitar down and looked over at her. She was staring at the photo album looking at the picture of us before the dance. I noticed her smile. It was sad; I almost believed for a minute that maybe she was sincere about wanting me. Though my inner pessimist was telling me that she was just desperate to get laid.

"We looked so young there..." She pointed at the picture. "I miss it."  
"It was only two years ago, and what's there to miss?"  
"We looked cute together. So young and innocent."  
"Innocent," I laughed in spite of myself. "Yeah, okay, you were innocent."  
"Whatever, don't you miss it?"  
"Miss what?"  
"I don't know... nevermind. I'm sorry I came over here."

She stood up to leave. I watched her go to the door and open it before I finally bothered to say something.

"Hey! Hey wait!"  
"What is it?"  
"I miss it too, I always have."  
"Then why didn't you do something about it?"  
"You had your rock star I got stuck with a kid."  
"And now what do we have? Nothing... each other?" She looked at me hopefully.  
"I... I guess... maybe. Do you want to?"  
"Be my rock star." She smiled at me.  
"Fine... I will."  
"Great. Hey though, I really should get going, you know how my dad's been lately."  
"Yeah, I can imagine..."  
"So hey, I'll call you? We can meet up somewhere later."  
"Sure... sounds good. I'll see you later then."  
_  
Take you away from that empty apartment  
You stay, and forget where the heart is  
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay_

I smiled slightly and lay back on my bed. I looked over at the album and noticed that the picture of us was gone. She took it, of course. I shook my head. '_Well, I guess that's one more thing I'm gonna have to get from her tonight. Not that it matters, having her back is good enough._'

_It's okay  
It's okay_


	3. Globes And Maps

**Semiautomatic Mix Tape**

**Chapter III: Globes And Maps**

**A/N: Still don't own Degrassi. Still don't own any music (Globes And Maps-- Something Corporate)**

**Ohhh, so I noticed that some of you guys were confused about who's in chapter 1. I thought I made it obvious enough, but this chapter should definitely explain who it is. Thanks for all the reviews and whatnot... tell all your friends to read it.

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**

_Light breaks underneath a heavy door  
And I try to keep myself awake  
Fall all around us on our hotel floor  
And you think that you've made a mistake  
And there's a pain in my stomach from another sleepless binge  
And I struggled to get myself up again _

I stood in front of the latest car to end up outside of the small trailer I called home (or "the lunchbox" as a friend of mine once called it). It was an old Buick which didn't look too bad minus a few dents on the right side of the car, a missing hub cap and a few rust spots. That was just the car's exterior; the interior needed a lot of work. Or so I was told from the note that was folded up on the hood of the car. In truth, it didn't need any type of work. The seats may have been a little messed up, but the engine ran fine. I thought about my idea of setting up an auto shop in Toronto and shook my head. It was a crazy idea, I know, and I'm lucky she didn't take me back. I would've been screwed then, because she wasn't the person I was going back to see in the first place. Try telling that to my friends though.

There it was the old apartment that I used to share with the girl everyone assumed I was in love with. The girl whose name my friend thought I had gotten tattooed across my chest. I looked down at the broken down car, thought about that auto shop and laughed bitterly. I would've been committing myself to a lifetime of so-called hell. Sure, I would've been running an auto shop with my best friend, but I would've been stuck sharing my old apartment with a girl I never really loved. She was my rebound relationship; something to take my mind off the only girl I could ever love. This girl was perfect, the sort of girl from your best wet dreams. And then I guess you could say people changed, I changed. I made some new friends and she couldn't handle it. It's not my fault. Or maybe it is.

_I wanna hang onto something  
That won't break away or fall apart  
Like the pieces of my heart _

So her dad gets sick, right? And what do I do? I steal the guy's laptop. Hey, hey, it was for a good cause. I was only trying to get a little money to hook up a car. That's what I do best, you know. I tried explaining it all; I still don't think she ever really forgave me. She got over it though, or at least forgot about it. Someone called me her knight in faded denim once-- or something stupid like that-- and I guess I am. I don't like to brag about it, but I did almost take a bullet for her. Things really change when it's a life or death matter. I saved her life, and when she finally came around to talking to me, I could really tell that she loved me again, even if she wouldn't say it. And for some reason, I didn't want her to say it. She didn't need to say anything, I just knew it.

After I saved her, and everything changed, I turned into a sort of local hero. Ohh, I was the boy who stopped a psycho. I was the boy who saved a girl's life. Big deal. I bet if you walked into my old school now, and asked anyone who I was, they would tell you the same thing. Sure, they would all have different personal things to say, but they would all mention the fact that I saved a girl's life. And I'm sure someone (a girl, no doubt) would mention how I used to date this girl. Whatever though, things got too hard being "the local hero," so I took my ass and got out of there. I'm with my parents now, which, for some odd reason, is where I felt the need to be.

_And globes and maps are all around me now  
I wanna feel you breathe me  
Globes and maps I see surround you here  
Why won't you believe me?  
Globes and maps they chart your way back home  
Do you wanna leave or something? _

"Hey!" My dad stuck his head out the door. "HEY! COME ANSWER THE PHONE!"  
"Who is it?"  
"I don't know... some girl."

Some girl... I rolled my eyes. '_Way to be specific, dad._' I walked into the small cramped living room and went over to the phone. I snatched it away from my dad and answered it. The call wasn't important, just some girl from my new school asking what I was doing tonight. I told her I had plans. '_Plans... yeah, okay. Now I better make some plans before she comes over here._' I looked down at the phone and dialed the one number that I knew could give me some plans.

"Yo? Can I help you?"  
"Hey... sup, what are you doing tonight?"  
"Watching chick flicks," I could hear the sarcasm in his voice.  
"Cool, can I join you?"  
"Yeah yeah... look though, you wanna come down here? Cause I got somewhere to be at nine thirty and you know how long the drive there and back is."  
"Sure... yeah... I'll drive down there. And what are you doing, seeing more ravine girls?"  
"No, I think tonight's my lucky night."  
"Oh yeah, after all the crazy shit you pulled and you think tonight's gonna be different?"  
"Whatever man, I got a good feeling about this."  
"Okay... so when are you going out?"  
"Nine thirty..."  
"Yeah, I might not get there until around then."  
"So drive fast. See you..." He hung up before I could say anything.

_And dreams came around you in a hazy rain  
You opened your mouth wide to feel them fall  
And I write a letter, from a one-way train  
But I don't think you'll read it at all _

"Hey, dad?"  
"What is it now?"  
"I'm going out for a while..."  
"Uh-huh..."  
"Yeah, I might not come back until sometime tomorrow."  
"Uh-huh... Don't do anything... _stupid_."

I sighed and headed out the door. I looked at the cars that were lined up outside the house. There was a good selection of decent cars, but something pulled me towards that beat up Buick. Rust stains and all, I couldn't help but imagine the look on my friend's face when I showed up outside his house in the old thing. He could probably even help me fix it up a little. Having made my decision, I got into the car and started up the engine. I laughed, picturing everyone's reaction and drove away from the trailer park. A little vacation would do me some good.

An hour or so into the drive (about halfway through the trip), around eight thirty, it started raining. I'm not talking about your usual light storm with an occasional flash of lightening; I'm talking about a real storm; the type that could start a flood. I shook my head. My friend was an idiot, but I don't think he would go out in weather this bad even if he did think it was his "lucky night." Then again, if he wasn't home, I could always drive around until I found her. I would go down to the ravine, but he said that wasn't where he was gonna be; plus I never did like the whores down there.

_And globes and maps are all around me now  
I wanna feel you breathe me  
Globes and maps I see surround you here  
Why won't you believe me?  
Globes and maps they chart your way back home  
Do you wanna leave or something? _

After another hour, and more bad weather, I ended up at his house. In all honesty, I was surprised the car made it all the way to Toronto considering that the roof started to leak. I got out of the car and knocked on the door. His dad answered, and I could smell the alcohol on him.

"You... whaddaya want?"  
"Hey... let me in."  
"The boy, eh? He ain't here. He's at the mall again."  
"What? Why is he there?"  
"Do you think I'd know boyo? He always goes there round this time. Comes back disappointed mumblin something bout luck."  
"Oh... his lucky night..."  
"Yeah yeah, he's late tonight. Now if I can't help you, leave. Go find him or something."

He slammed the door before I could protest him and I trudged back to the car. So he went to the mall... of course he did, I forgot that she worked in there now. I shook my head, he was never gonna give up. I guess I'm the same way. When we got our tattoos, he said we were getting the names of the girls we would never give up on. He was right. He's still chasing after her, and now I'm back and hoping to find the girl I abandoned. I guess that since he considered this night his lucky night, maybe the night would be lucky for me too. I was starting to doubt it as I drove along to familiar streets until I saw someone running. There was no mistaking the damp blonde hair that swung around her shoulders, under a hat, as she ran. I slowed down as I approached where she was running and let the window down.

"It's bad weather, eh?" I called out to her.  
She stopped in her tracks and looked a little scared. "What? What? Who is that?"  
"Wow... I've only been gone a year and you forget me already..."  
"No! It's just... I can't believe it's really you. Why are you here?"  
"I came to visit a friend. I didn't expect to run into you. Want a ride home? I think I still remember how to get there."

_And I can't take this anymore  
Well I know that I can't take this anymore  
I can't take this anymore  
Cause I know someday I'll see you walk out that door _

She got into the car and smiled at me. I smiled back at her and started driving to her house. We went along in silence until I got there. I looked over at her and gave her an awkward smile. She looked away from me and started to open the car door before changing her mind and shutting it. She looked at me.

"Take me somewhere else... anywhere else. Let's go to the ravine."  
"The ravine? Have you ever been down there?"  
"Have I ever been there?" She laughed. "Fine, let's go to the park."  
"That works."

We drove to the park, once again in silence. It was pretty hard to just sit there and not talk to her, but I couldn't come up with anything to say. And the fact that it was still raining, and the drops of water made a loud tapping sound when they hit the dashboard, made it difficult to say anything anyway. I parked in the lot and noticed that it was basically empty. I looked over at her, raising my eyebrows.

"Can we talk... outside, maybe? I don't want the roof of your car to cave in on us."  
"Yeah, we can talk under that picnic thingy." I pointed towards the one area with a small wooden roof.

Once we had reached the small picnic area, I just stared at her. I thought in the distance I had heard some familiar voices, but I didn't bother thinking about them. The only thing that mattered to me was her. There was a sudden noise, like a tree branch being stepped on, and she flinched. I moved towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She smiled again and moved a little closer to me, so my hand hung over her shoulder.

"So really, why are you here?"  
"I told you, I came to see someone."  
"Me?" There was another snapping sound. "What is that?"  
"Probably just some animal... Listen, can I show you something?"  
"Oh God..."  
"No, it's good." I pulled at my shirt just enough so my tattoo was revealed.  
"Oh wow... you got that just for me? That's amazing..."  
"I'm sorry, you know, for leaving, but I needed some space."  
"I get it. It doesn't matter, you're here now."

She hugged me, the sound of the branches seemed a little closer, but maybe I was hearing things. I sighed and just looked down at her. I was waiting for her to say something else, but she didn't.

"You never told me, why were you outside? And why didn't you want to go home?"  
"No reason... Just a stupid fight with someone. I didn't want them lurking around my house trying to talk to me."  
"Oh..." Another loud branch sound. "Well whoever it is won't do anything."  
"Yeah... I got my knight in faded denim with me."

We continued to stand there, and I don't know why I did it, but I kissed her. It wasn't something quick either; it was the type of sappy pathetic kiss you would watch in some chick flick. And right then, nothing else, not any familiar sounding voices or any snapping branches, could take me away from thinking about her. I was home, and that's where I planned on staying.

_And globes and maps are all around me now  
I wanna feel you breathe me  
Globes and maps I see surround you here  
Why won't you believe me?  
Globes and maps they chart your way back home  
So Do you wanna leave? Do you wanna leave?  
Globes and maps they chart your way back home  
Do you wanna leave or something?_


	4. Grey Matter

**Semiautomatic Mix Tape**

**Chapter IV: Grey Matter**

**A/N: I don't own anything! Though I may end up owning a car soon! (Grey Matter-- Finch)**

* * *

_Bite the tongue  
To live with what you've done  
It's so good, it's so good,  
Lie to myself while I lie with myself  
It's Monday and it's raining  
It's Sunday in the sun  
It's so good, but..._

I saw her when she first walked in, pulling down her hood and saying something about how the rain was going to mess up her hair. She was there with her friend who was still in her work uniform. I considered them lucky; it was nearing ten thirty and I was still working. She glanced over at me and smiled, making sure no one saw her do it. I returned the smile half-heartedly and turned my attention to the cup I was filling up. I looked over at their table, hoping someone else would go over to them. It was just my luck that the only other person waiting tables was talking to our manager. She (our manager) looked over at me expectantly. I heaved a sigh and carefully approached the table.

"Oh, you should've seen the look he had when I called him a stalker." I heard her saying loudly, bragging even.  
"I was there..." Came her friend's reply.  
"No no, I meant the first time. Honestly, I scared him knocking on the window." She paused. "He just doesn't get it, does he?"  
"Hmm? Oh... I guess not."  
"I would never take him back if I were you."

I knew who they were talking about, and I didn't want to hear it. I cleared my throat loudly. I smiled at them and held up a pad and a pencil. She spun around and smiled at me again. Her friend just looked me, emotionless. It wasn't that she didn't like me, I mean; I guess you could say we were friends... partners in crime, really. There's no point in reliving everything. We made a mistake and now we're all repaying for it... I know I am, anyway.

"Hey ladies, what can I get for you?" I starting going through the regular routine. Smile, take the order, serve them, give the bill, get paid, and repeat.  
"Just a salad... and a small diet coke." Of course she would order the diet meal. She never could get over her self-confidence issues, even though I always tried to help her with it when we were together.  
"Well unlike the princess here, I'll take some real food. A burger, medium fries, and a medium coke... not diet."  
I nodded and took their orders. "Coming right up."

_Would it be so bad if you were to pretend that you were so happy?  
Keep it to yourself  
Don't let the secret go  
If you were so willing, but..._

I was slouching behind the counter, staring over at their table. They seemed to be arguing about something, but I wasn't sure what it was it was. I also figured that I didn't want to know. I looked around; trying to focus on other customers, but it was almost empty, considering that the place was closing in about another hour. Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I stood up and noticed that their food was ready. I picked up the tray and headed over to their table, hoping that this time I wasn't going to be interrupting anything.

"Well fine!" Her friend stood up, shouting. "You know what; just forget about me staying at your house tonight. I'm gone."  
"You can't go home..."  
"So I'll go to his place. At least he isn't trying to control my life for me."  
"I'm not--"

She stopped talking and looked defeated as her friend stormed out. I set the tray down and sat across from her. She glared at me and I started to stand up. She reached for my hand and pulled me back down. I looked at her, confused, and pushed the hamburger towards her.

"Eat, you look tired."  
She ignored me and reached for the salad. "I work..."  
"So do I, every day after school and all day on the weekends."  
"Shouldn't you be spending some time studying? I mean, you're already behind one year." Leave it to her to bring that up.  
"I need to... get back to work."  
"There's no one else here."  
"Still, do you not see my manager there? I gotta go."

_Let's pray for this suicide  
And all these pictures falling down around me  
I've surrounded myself with all I have inside_

"Ohh, you heartbreaker, look at her sitting there all sad." One of my co-workers laughed and nudged me.  
"Not like it matters."  
"Well aren't you the little optimist."  
I turned my back to the counter to look at my friend. "You don't get it."  
"I get it enough to know that you're scared."  
"Scared?" I laughed nervously. "Scared of what?"  
"I know what you did; my sister came home and told me."  
"Who's your sister?"  
"Doubt you know her; some little grade nine."  
"Oooh, a grade nine knows what I did. How is that scary?"  
"You think she hates you."

I shook my head, trying to say that he was wrong. Of course it was all truth. I know she hates me. Sure, she was smiling at me just now, but it was probably an act. And even if she doesn't hate me, I know she's never gonna look at me the same way. When I went out with her, I was like... Wolverine, you know, one of the X-Men. It was like, I could do anything and she still saw me as a hero. Then I fucked around with a girl (hmm... sounds a lot like a few of my friends, doesn't it?) and it changed a little. She was mad, but she got over it eventually. And then everyone found out I was responsible for everything. My whole life just sort of stopped.

_Would I bite my tongue and live with what you've done?  
Just continue sleeping?  
Selfishly consumed with everything you've wrought  
There's nothing I can do, but..._

I didn't see the point in anything. I didn't have anyone, not even my family. They basically disowned me; my dad called me a disgrace. I think that's why I'm so into my work. It's not because I really like what I'm doing, but because it was an escape from everything. I had been alone, but then things got better. Work was alright, I was getting good pay. They even let me come back to school! I was a year behind now, but it worked to my advantage. I ended up meeting a girl... I ended up changing my life. There was this sort of weird religious club thing. I wasn't so into this church deal, but I did it for her. It wasn't so bad; it really made me feel better about myself. If Jesus could forgive me, so could everyone else.

After that, I was definitely a lot more confident. My family wasn't so distant anymore, and I had even managed to regain one of my old friends. Of course, I was nowhere near where I was before everything had happened, but it was a start. Right now, I want nothing more than for things to return to the way they were. I mean, he'll never be able to walk again, but I want everything to be as close to those times as possible. Meaning that all my old friends would be my friends again.

_Let's pray for this suicide  
And all these pictures falling down  
One wish full, step to the side  
And please just let me know_

"You know I'm right." He said, shaking my thoughts.  
"No, she doesn't hate me. I don't think she does."  
"Okay... sure..."  
"She doesn't. It's just that... I'm never gonna be good enough for her."  
He laughed a little. "What do you mean?"  
"I mean that no matter what I do it's never gonna work. We can get back together, and I'm never gonna be anything to her. I'll always mess it up so it won't work."  
"You mean it won't work because you won't let it."  
"What do you mean, dude?"  
"You think she hates you, therefore you won't try anything so it's never gonna happen."  
"Fuck you; you don't know anything about this."  
"I know that there's a girl standing behind you who would probably take you back if you just asked her."

I stood there, mouth open, not believing what he just said. He was lying to me, I knew it. There was pretty much no way that she was standing behind me. I looked at him and just smirked at me. He said something about doing some dishes (I wasn't really listening) and headed into the back room. I continued to stand there with my back to the counter, hoping she would just leave. She cleared her throat and poked me on the shoulder. I turned around and looked at her.

"Anything else I can get for you?"  
"Yeah... I'd like to go out with you again."  
"So... so you heard it? You heard everything?"  
"I heard the parts that mattered." I guess she saw how nervous I looked, because what she said next calmed me down. "I don't hate you, I never could. And you are good enough for me. I've never had anyone as great as you."  
"Well um... don't worry about the bill, you know? I'll pay for it."  
"I still need some service..."  
"Yes?"  
"Sit with me?"  
"Of course."

She sat there looking nervous as I helped myself to some of the fries. I offered her a handful, which she declined. I stood up and walked around the table so I was standing directly in front of her. I bent down so we were at eye level and I stared at her. She looked back at me, and just looking into her eyes told me that I had been wrong the whole time. There was no way she could've ever hated me. And if she ever had, she definitely didn't now. I spoke again.

"What's wrong? You're not eating."  
"I need to find her."  
"Huh? Oh... why?"  
"I'm worried about her; about what he might do."  
"Come on, he's an idiot, but I know he wouldn't do anything stupid to her."  
"Then help me find her."  
"Fine, I will."

_Are you happy? I'll decide.  
These stories are so old, how they match your eyes.  
__Are you happy? I'll decide.  
These stories are so old, how they match your eyes.  
__Are you happy? I'll decide.  
These stories are so old, how they match your eyes.  
But..._

We started driving, going down every bad street we found. We even went past the mall a few times. I thought this was stupid. She obviously didn't want to be found, so what was the point? I sure as hell wasn't gonna say that out loud though. I think she could tell I was mad about things though, because she placed her hand on my shoulder and just looked at me. I sighed and started driving in a new direction. I wasn't really paying attention to where we were going until I ended up in an almost empty parking lot. There was one car out there, and two people weren't very far from it standing under the one area that couldn't be touched by the rain. She sat up and leaned forward, squinting.

"It's them!" She exclaimed.  
"No it's not. That's not his car."  
"Oh, then who is it?"  
"I don't know or care, and it's not any of your business."  
"Come on!" She pushed open the car door, letting the rain come in. "Let's go look for her."

I got out and ran after her reluctantly. We ran around the park in a different direction, not wanting to see whoever it was standing in the picnic area. I stopped suddenly, making her stop. I could tell those two voices right away.

_"I'm sorry."  
"Shut up, way to ruin the moment."  
__"Take me back, or I might be forced to do something gay like serenade you."  
"You would serenade me, in a park?"  
"Sure, why not?"  
__"You're crazy."  
__"Take me back..."_

We both looked at each other. It was obvious who was arguing. I moved to get closer, to talk to them, but she pulled me back and shook her head. Instead, she pulled me into a small alcove of trees where we could hear them better.

_"You're the most persistent..."  
"So is that a yes?"  
__"Of course. Hey, let's just stay out here all night."_

There was a loud gasping sound next to me. I looked at her and raised my eyebrows. She covered her mouth and started to back up a little. That wasn't going to help any; I was sure they had heard her. And if they hadn't heard her, well then we were lucky. I started to back up with her when I stepped on something soft.

"Ah, fuck!" Someone, I couldn't tell who, shouted.  
"What the...?" I stood there, confused.

She screamed. As if gasping weren't loud enough, she had to go and scream. I could hear the footsteps coming from all directions. Now I was confused. There were only four people in the park not counting ourselves. Well, five if you count mystery stalker in the trees. Speaking of mystery stalker, he started running off in a different direction, but I had a feeling he wasn't going to get very far. The footsteps got closer, but I couldn't tell who it was. I stepped forward and ended up face to face with someone who I definitely hadn't planned on running into. Tonight was going to be one hell of a night.

_Let's pray for this suicide  
And all these pictures falling down  
One wish full, step to the side  
And pick these pictures from the ground that surround me_


	5. Mary Without Sound

**Semiautomatic Mix Tape**

**Chapter V: Mary Without Sound**

**A/N: Proud owner of nothing. (Mary Without Sound -- Motion City Soundtrack.)**

_Mary go round  
I'd like to see you when the summer sun sets down  
Straight from the pages into memories that hang around  
I can't believe that there is nowhere you can go and not be found without sound _

I sat there at the kitchen table with a blank face. My mom was standing over at the sink cleaning the dishes. You could hear her sobbing every now and then. My dad was sitting down, glaring at me over the top of the morning paper. He picked up the mug and took a long loud sip from the cup before slamming it back down on the table. I folded my hands in my lap and sighed. My father folded the paper loudly and set it down. My mother gave me a sympathetic look before she hurried out of the kitchen.

"I have been doing some thinking." My father said, looking at me.  
"Oh," I was trying to be casual. "About...?"  
"What are you meaning by this 'about?' I am a-talking about you, my boy. And your little problem."  
"Papa, I don't... I don't have a problem. It's just... it's who I am."  
"Who I am." He said, mocking me. "I know who you are. You are not a-living here anymore."

There was a sudden crashing sound. I looked up to see my mother standing in the space between the kitchen and the living room holding only the handle to a mug. I instantly jumped up to help her, but with one look from my father I sat down. My father stood up and lumbered over to my mother. She cowered against the door frame. Again I stood up, and again I received a look (this time from my mother) telling me to sit down. They started arguing in Italian. Finally, I spoke up.

"Papa, papa please! I'm your son."  
He laughed bitterly. "My son? No son of mine is a-gonna be a little pansy."  
"But papa--"  
"Don't 'but papa' me. Now here, I am a-working this honest job and I am a-wanting you to take over it. You cannot be a-running my business with-a your boyfriend."  
"Not like I want to run it anyway..." I mumbled.  
"Huh? What was that? Are you a-challenging me? After I have-a put up with you and-a your... _problem_." He spoke like I was diseased.  
"I'm sorry, papa. But it's just... I had other plans."  
"You are a-moving? Living in with your... your _boyfriend_?"  
"I don't know... maybe."  
"You are no son to me."  
"You make it sound like a bad thing."

_From the pages  
Of the morning  
When you mentioned  
You're worth less to me_

What happened next was something that I always feared would happen. When my father was mad... well, let's just say he got pretty angry. He would yell a lot, and he would throw some things. I was always scared he would hurt my mother. I didn't care what he did to me, but I wouldn't let him do anything to her. He raised his hand, obviously ready to strike me, when my mother ran over and grabbed him. I stood there in shock as her started yelling at her and waving his hands around. For the first time in any of there arguments, my mother yelled back. Sure, she would argue, but she had never yelled like this before. I was starting to regret not having learned Italian; it was difficult to make out what they were saying. My mother finally gave up-- or had she won? -- and left the room. My father turned to me, his eyes filled with rage.

"You," he pointed his finger at me.  
"Yes, papa?" I looked up at him innocently.  
"Don't you papa me! I am not a-raising some faggot!"

I sat there, speechless. It was one thing having to hear this from people at school, but it was different here. I knew he didn't understand what I was going through, but my mother said he was trying to understand, that it was difficult for him. I don't think it was difficult for him, my father knew what he was saying. He stood there looking smug, confident that he had just won against me and that I would just take the abuse and leave like he had wanted. I was going to leave without a fight, I had plenty of friends with extra room at their homes, but his comment made me change my mind. I stood up and moved so I was closer to him.

"Papa, I am your son, and I am not letting you talk to me like that."  
"Is that so? I cannot talk-a to my faggot son?"  
"Papa, I know what you're doing, and it's not working."  
"It's not a-working, eh? Well let's see how to change that."

_Hand over hand  
The pages turn  
The pages without sound  
Turn on empty hands  
Tonight will end without sound _

I felt the worst pain that I could ever imagine. My eyes had started to tear up and the right side of my face had gotten pretty hot. I had a sudden taste of blood in my mouth and I could've sworn a few teeth felt loose. Slowly, I raised a hand to my face and carefully felt it. I swallowed more blood and looked up at my father, trying to focus on him. The fact that my eyes were still tearing made it difficult to see him, but his expression seemed to hold both hatred and sorrow. He reached out to touch me on the shoulder, but I pulled away from him. I walked out of the room and went into my own room, where I found a small duffel bag already packed. My mother, who had been sitting on my bed, ran up and hugged me.

"It's gonna be okay. You know your papa, it's hard for him to get."  
"No, no it's not. He knows what he's doing."  
"Your papa loves you."  
"Ma," I picked up the bag and hefted it across my shoulder. "I'm gonna stay with a friend for a while. I'll call you soon, okay?"  
"Alright... Stay safe, we love you."

I hugged my mother again and started out of the room. I wiped my eyes and the room slid into focus. My father was sitting at the table. He was staring down at his still curled fist and shaking his head in disbelief. I walked into the kitchen and headed for the door, not looking at him.

"My only son..." He mumbled. "Why am I a failure?"

I ignored him and kept walking. I pulled open the door when he called out to me.

"My son, you need-a to forgive me."  
"I'm not your son anymore, papa."

I turned and walked out, slamming the door behind me. I gave the house one last, sad look before I left for good.  
_  
Mary go round  
Hold back the hand me downs and bring back the bright sound  
Head for the razor broken bottle hangman runarounds  
Time for the message to return with the sender unsigned and without sound _

The first pay phone I got to just happened to be outside of the mall. I looked around nervously; making sure no one I knew was around. I picked up the phone and just stared at it, too lost in thought to realize what was going on around me. I had been bashed before, in a park, at night, by a group of guys, but this time hurt more. And I don't mean physically, I meant emotionally. A friend of mine had told me his father beat him once and I had never understood his pain until now. Call me selfish for it, but I think my pain is worse. I mean, sure, this only happened to me once, but the fact that my father was beating me for something that we could work out and understand... I just didn't get it. I tried to clear away the thought as I inserted a few coins and dialed the one friend who had always helped me out.

"Hello?" A friend answered, but not the one I was hoping for.  
"Oh, hi... What are you-- Nevermind, is she there?"  
"Yeah man, I'll get her." I heard some laughing, and him telling her I was calling.  
"Hi, I'm a little um... busy, but what's up?"  
"I need you to come pick me up."  
"Why," her tone got serious, "what's wrong?"  
"Nothing... everything... it's my papa."  
"Well where are you? We can come around in about ten minutes."  
"Ten is fine, I'm at the mall. Thanks for doing this."

I hung up the phone and walked over to a bench. I set the bag down and lay down, using it as a makeshift pillow. I started replaying the scene with my father in my head. The look in his eyes was going to be one that would always be in my dreams. My thoughts were starting to change into old memories. It went from papa yelling at me, to student council elections, to the shooting, to kissing my boyfriend, to when I first realized that I was a little... _different_. And then it all went black for me.

_It's a battle you can't win  
It's a battle you lose_


End file.
